Goodbye, I Have Better Things to Do

My fellow Americans,

As you know, this blog has been devoted to poking fun at the absurdity of political or social actions.

However, as things have progressed, I have come to a life-changing conclusion.

My job has been to make you think about the stupid things that are done in this country.

Now, to continue my work to aid you in those mental activities, I have made the decision to quit this job.

Yes.

As much as I have given you through this blog, I can no longer give you the comedic slander you need in this format.

Now, this is not a first. There have been precedents made in people quitting their jobs to do their jobs better.

Sarah Palin resigned as the Alaskan Governor to pursue more important political goals.
Lou Dobbs quit his job as a news caster to help bring us better news.

What I am doing is for you.

By not writing this blog, I will be able to improve my abilities to point out political and social stupidity.

I have enjoyed these past few months, but the time has come that I move on to better assist you.

Thank you, and good night.

(Please note that the following was indeed a satire of recent political and social stupidity, and that I will be writing again in one week's time, and Sarah Palin will be reentering the political domain in 2012.)

The New Power Source

Much has been said about going green and finding a renewable power source with which to power the world.

Oil is disappearing and getting more and more expensive.

Ethanol has used up too much corn, depleting food sources.

Nuclear power blows stuff up.

The sun disappears behind clouds.

The wind doesn’t blow.

I have the solution for the world’s energy needs.

Hamster.

Now hold on, I’m not crazy.

Hamsters enjoy running on wheels in their cages.

This running behavior can be harnessed—by hooking the wheels up to generators, a small amount of electrical energy can be produced.

If one hamster can produce enough energy to power a lamp for one hour, imagine if you had two hamsters. Or one hundred hamsters.

Now imagine power plants where millions of hamsters, all running to power the country.
That’s millions of hours of electricity that doesn’t produce hazardous green house gases, only poop pellets, and these pellets can be used as fertilizer!

They are even an amazingly renewable power source.

One mating pair of hamsters can have approximately three litters per year with around ten baby hamsters per litter.

Now factor in that hamsters live around two years, that’s close to 60 new hamsters to take the place to two parents. That’s 58 new little power sources.

Some of you might be thinking that guinea pigs and other small rodents would work.

This is true. But, since hamsters are smaller and require less food, they are more efficient.

Pretty soon, with millions and millions of hamsters, oil, solar, and wind power will be obsolete.

This would be so much easier, more efficient, and cuter than switching to a different power source.

The Little Known Demographic

I’m telling you, all of you politicians out there, if you want to win this election, you have to play to the demographic that no one has pandered to yet.

Yeah, others have gone after the soccer moms and the 18-to-34-year-old males, but there is one that no one has gone after.

Kids.

Now, this sounds crazy, but hear me out.

In 2008 there where nearly 50 million children under the age of 11 in the U.S.
If you figure one voting adult for every child, then that’s 50 million votes that could come out to vote for you!

Advertisers already use kids to sell their products.

I’m telling you, put you guys in a bright superhero costumes, surround yourselves with cute puppies, hamsters and unicorns, and we can’t keep the kids from throwing themselves on the floor screaming your name.

That’s how the candy and cereal advertisers do it: make the kids want the product so much that they whine and cry and throw fits until their parents buy the product.

And you politicians are the product.

If we can get children to pressure their parents into voting for you all, you can’t lose.

And don’t even get me started on smear campaigns!

Put up your opponents’ pictures with creepy music and pictures of the Boogey Man, and bam!

Dig up some skeletons, connect the opponents with the euthanization of kittens, and you can’t lose because of all the crying children!

We can even get endorsements form kid friendly figures.

We can get Santa, the Easter Bunny, and SpongeBob to endorse you (we can get Plankton to endorse your opponents).

I’m telling you, pandering to kids is the way to win an election, even if your platforms are weak.

Need for Speed…In Passing the Healthcare Plan

Well, it’s been a short time since we began developing this new health care plan that will save us all.

The only problem is that it hasn’t been finished yet.

There are a few enlightened souls who want this thing passed here and now, but the unfortunate majority of congressmen have not felt the same way.

Speed is great!

Just ask your sexual partner how great speed is (sorry sweet; health care doesn’t usually happen that fast)!

Now, we need to jump start this initiative so this bill can be signed now!

There are many reasons to speed the process up.

For one, everybody knows that intuition is better than logical thought.

We hear people say, “go with your gut” all the time.

Therefore, logically, whatever we come up with first will be right, and changing it will be bad.

Secondly, quickness means fewer errors.

It’s only when you start second-guessing yourself that errors start occurring.

And what if we do have a few minor errors?

Small things don’t really matter to the larger scheme of things.

Just ask my colleague Caitlin Martin at “Verbatim”, and you’ll find out commas aren’t really that necessary.

Also, if we push this thing through as fast as possible, no one will see errors that are made.

It’s not wrong if it’s not caught.

Speaking of people, they really don’t need to see this bill.

They don’t have time to read anymore, not even stuff that can save them from serious injury like coffee cups.

Besides, politicians are chosen to act for the people and don’t need their support and endorsement (most politicians don’t last past two years anyway).

Lastly, with this being healthcare, we should look to the people that will be affected by this bill the most…
Doctors.

They know the value of speed:

“Pull the band-aid off quickly, and it doesn’t hurt as much.”

“Let’s get this woman into the delivery room; she’s having her baby now (twelve hours later they’re right).”

“Choose which vessel to cut, the red or blue, soon or this aortic valve is gonna blow!”

As you can see, speed is better than waiting and perfecting.

Don’t let Aesop tell you otherwise; rabbits know that speed is key to winning, sex and healthcare.

We don’t need long, slow, correct, meaningful; we need speed!

After all, ten of ten spoiled brats agree: getting stuff now rocks!

America: Palin’s Red Future

Face it people, we’re doomed to be socialists.
There’s no hope anymore.
We already have the biggest socialist in power right now with Obama.
After all, he and all those other Democrats want big government, which will soon be telling us how to tie our shoes (that means no flip-flops).
As our government grows and grows in the power it has over us individually, we had one hope: the Republican Party’s leading lady, Sarah Palin.
She seemed perfect, what with her snarky individualist ideas about truth and geography, plus her desire for a smaller government.
But now, her cover is blown.
Recently, Palin spoke at an assembly of Chinese bankers in Hong Kong, China, closed to the media, which has been described as her first step in foreign relations.
Nice try Palin; we almost fell for it.
This trip was really for her to meet up with her Chinese overlords.
Other than hating the media, why else would Palin close the speech to the media?
It was her briefing on her assignment to turn the U.S. into a communist state.
She’s just following what the plan set out by the Chinese: to continue selling our assets and souls to the Chinese, just like Bush.
After all, why else would the Chinese have given her $300,000 in payment just for speaking? I don’t even get paid minimum wage for writing this, so a speech like this can’t cost too much.
She is owned by China!
Now Palin’s behaviors make sense!
Think.
What color is the Republican Party? RED!
Her goofy, fact-checking-media-hating behavior wasn’t from ineptitude, but from fear of being exposed as a communist.
It explains her obsession with blue-collar workers (sorry Joe, we can’t let you and your plumbers’ union win).
We even know why she was governor of Alaska. Where else would the Communists launch their invasion?
In Russia, Russia sees you from its front porch.
What else is there, Palin? What other communist things have you hidden from us?
Is “Maverick” an acronym for your secret society devoted to turning America red—Making Americans Very Early Reform Into Commie Kissers?
Are you hiding a spy camera in your hair bun?
People, please don’t fall for this woman’s charade.
Beneath her naive charm and Tina Fey glasses, she’s hiding a red warrior who wants to force us into communist slavery.
Don’t believe her lies!

I Vote to Commend the Vote to Reprimand

I’ve just head the greatest news all year.
The U.S. House of Representatives voted 240-179 to reprimand Rep. Joe Wilson on Sept. 15 after his verbal bashing of Obama’s speech, calling the president a liar.
Now, many of his fellow representatives and other Democrats had already called him out, but something else needed to be done.
And boy did it get done!
They actually voted!
This vote did the wonderful thing of officially reprimanding Wilson, something that could not be done without the vote.
Yeah, they could have just unofficially whacked him in the nose with a newspaper, saying “No! No! Bad Republican! You don’t do that in the House!”
Too bad they can’t do that for real.
But, there is a distinct difference between on official and an unofficial action: it’s official.
This is a brilliant move by the Democrats, taking up time, effort, and taxpayer money to tell off their fellow representative.
It definitely shows that the Democrats aren’t whiny babies.
This grand maneuvering was perfect to show that the Democrats want what’s best for the citizens of the U.S.
Now they need to vote on something the public really cares about.
They need to vote to reprimand Kanye West.
After all, more people were upset by West’s actions than Wilson’s.
Well, I guess that Jay Leno already took care of that.
Then, the House should bring Wilson’s mother in on his reprimand; who can punish a child better than a mother?
Anyway, I’m just happy our elected officials took the time out of their busy schedules—with so many important issues, problems, and decisions to be taken care of—to slap Wilson on the wrist.
I’m sure singling this troublemaker out and telling him off will solve all of their partisan problems.
After all, nothing says unity like one side ganging up on the other.
What else could bi-partisan mean?

Obama Brainwashes Students

Obama has gone too far.

It’s one thing to corrupt our middle class.

But now he’s brainwashing our children—the future of our country.

In his speech that was directed at our innocent kids, he explicitly expressed his left-wing ideals, cramming them down the throats of unwilling students (fight, little girl who txted instead of listened; you’re an inspiration to us all).

He even went after kindergartners!

Does this man not have respect for the innocence of childhood?

This man stepped on the toes of all the teachers in the room; the only people allowed to force unwanted information into student’s brain are teachers.

Yeah, that’s right.

They know their responsibility is to cram as much stuff into these students’ heads without Obama standing over their shoulders.

This speech just sickened me.

All of liberalized talk of personal responsibility, bleckth!

No student wants to take responsibility for their own actions. Who would?

This is what makes American schools what they are today: the epic struggle of teachers cramming information into irresponsible students who would rather sit in front of the TV instead of reading incredibly boring books or working math problems (cha-ching I smell a movie idea).

This man wants to destroy an American tradition all for the sake of his socialist, progressive ideas about personal responsibility.

Obama is also moving us more towards a socialist state by making everyone need a high school degree.

Well, Mr. Obama, what happens when all of our students go on to jobs as lawyers, doctors, and politicians and we have no high school drop-outs to man the important positions at McDonalds and Starbucks?

Well, I take that back

We’ll have plenty of workers from the humanities (nice try deluding these sorry saps in your speech Obama) that need to make money while their novel is being written.

And also, this man really thought his story about his mother teaching him lessons while living in Indonesia was going to identify with students.

Really, who lives in Indonesia except Indonesians, and how many of them are in our schools?

This story left out an entire demographic: the students whose parents gave them everything on a silver platter and want for nothing.

Obama can’t speak to these students; he had to work too hard to get where he is today.

Now George W. Bush, there is a man who can reach these masses.

After all, he is the one who gave us No Child Left Behind (which Obama wants to change so that students are left behind), our only way to tell if our children is learning.

Thank God for that C Average man.