The New Power Source

Much has been said about going green and finding a renewable power source with which to power the world.

Oil is disappearing and getting more and more expensive.

Ethanol has used up too much corn, depleting food sources.

Nuclear power blows stuff up.

The sun disappears behind clouds.

The wind doesn’t blow.

I have the solution for the world’s energy needs.

Hamster.

Now hold on, I’m not crazy.

Hamsters enjoy running on wheels in their cages.

This running behavior can be harnessed—by hooking the wheels up to generators, a small amount of electrical energy can be produced.

If one hamster can produce enough energy to power a lamp for one hour, imagine if you had two hamsters. Or one hundred hamsters.

Now imagine power plants where millions of hamsters, all running to power the country.
That’s millions of hours of electricity that doesn’t produce hazardous green house gases, only poop pellets, and these pellets can be used as fertilizer!

They are even an amazingly renewable power source.

One mating pair of hamsters can have approximately three litters per year with around ten baby hamsters per litter.

Now factor in that hamsters live around two years, that’s close to 60 new hamsters to take the place to two parents. That’s 58 new little power sources.

Some of you might be thinking that guinea pigs and other small rodents would work.

This is true. But, since hamsters are smaller and require less food, they are more efficient.

Pretty soon, with millions and millions of hamsters, oil, solar, and wind power will be obsolete.

This would be so much easier, more efficient, and cuter than switching to a different power source.

The Little Known Demographic

I’m telling you, all of you politicians out there, if you want to win this election, you have to play to the demographic that no one has pandered to yet.

Yeah, others have gone after the soccer moms and the 18-to-34-year-old males, but there is one that no one has gone after.

Kids.

Now, this sounds crazy, but hear me out.

In 2008 there where nearly 50 million children under the age of 11 in the U.S.
If you figure one voting adult for every child, then that’s 50 million votes that could come out to vote for you!

Advertisers already use kids to sell their products.

I’m telling you, put you guys in a bright superhero costumes, surround yourselves with cute puppies, hamsters and unicorns, and we can’t keep the kids from throwing themselves on the floor screaming your name.

That’s how the candy and cereal advertisers do it: make the kids want the product so much that they whine and cry and throw fits until their parents buy the product.

And you politicians are the product.

If we can get children to pressure their parents into voting for you all, you can’t lose.

And don’t even get me started on smear campaigns!

Put up your opponents’ pictures with creepy music and pictures of the Boogey Man, and bam!

Dig up some skeletons, connect the opponents with the euthanization of kittens, and you can’t lose because of all the crying children!

We can even get endorsements form kid friendly figures.

We can get Santa, the Easter Bunny, and SpongeBob to endorse you (we can get Plankton to endorse your opponents).

I’m telling you, pandering to kids is the way to win an election, even if your platforms are weak.